I was 25 when I received the best financial advice from a good friend. My husband and I had asked a couple we respected to talk with us informally about marriage during our engagement. They graciously agreed, and we covered several different topics. One of them was money. These friends were wicked smart, but weren’t wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. They were missionaries, and had focused on supporting the development of various international aid projects by supporting local grass-roots organizations. They had spent years in Russia and Ukraine, where I had met them, and were preparing to leave for Mozambique. Nevertheless, what they shared became a guiding principle for our marriage.
The husband said to us:
It’s hard to go poking around in dark corners when all the lights are on.
Our friends shared how a community they had been involved with had experienced a revelation with the advent of direct deposit. Suddenly, the wives knew how much their husbands earned. The problem was that prior to direct deposit, the wives had been under the impression that their husbands earned less. The men had not been depositing the full paycheck into the checking account, and had not made it clear to their wives how they spent the other money.
Our friends counseled us to be as transparent as possible with our money. They reminded us that the community that experienced the direct deposit revelation was full of good people. Good people can be tempted. No matter how much you intend to do the right thing, you can end up going off the path and messing with what you never intended. In finances, this could be spending money on illicit activities, or it could mean not putting enough money toward your priorities. We all slip up. Marriage can be a source of strength in achieving our life goals, but only if we keep all the lights on.
The first practical, and, for me, painful, step of turning on all the lights was deciding to use a single bank and ensure we each had access to all the accounts. Because our mortgage was through my fiancé’s bank, it made the most sense for me to close my account and sign up with his bank. We wanted it to be easy to see all our money, and using a single bank made more sense than keeping multiple checking accounts at different locations. I had to let go of some ego with this first move, because I was very proud of providing for myself from the time I graduated high school, and I associated my bank account with that. But consolidate accounts we did.
We have worked very hard to keep the lights on with our finances over the last 12 years. Despite quite a bit of arguing, and a tremendous amount of pride, we kept working to talk about money, because we believed that transparency was important. We have come a long way financially and in our relationship. I have wanted many times to go behind my partners back, because it was easier to get my way (what often seemed the best way, coincidentally, to me). But our agreement to force complete transparency through our joint bank accounts and credit cards supported me in being in agreement with my spouse. I’d encourage you to put systems in place that help you keep the lights on. It’s been the best advice I’ve ever followed.