Giving has always been important to our family. Even before we were married, we discussed how we wanted to be generous. Because we discussed giving early on in our relationship, it has been much easier to figure out how to implement that value in our day-to-day life. Even so, we have had to figure out just how that works for us as a team. Here are some ways we figure out how to give.
1. We discuss why we want to give
For me, giving was the natural reaction to receiving. As I earned more, I gave more. My husband did not grow up with the same background, but he agreed that generosity was something that we wanted to be a part of our relationship. We both believe that “to whom much is given, much is required” – we have been given the benefit of growing up with loving parents, a good education, health, and living in a country that provides economic opportunity. We want to make the most of what we have.
2. We discuss the ways we want to give: financial, tangible, service
We wanted to give financially. Our initial plan was to set aside money annually into an account that would be invested, and after we had reached a certain level of growth, we would begin to give to charities. There are accounts exactly designed for this called charitable trusts*.
Neither of us knew much about charitable trusts when we started out, primarily because financial institutions tend to market them as part of estate planning. We also wanted to give to those groups that mattered to us currently, so we agreed to give about 10% of our income to charities we knew and interacted with – this included our local church congregation, and other organizations in our community. We did not always give 10%, and we do not give that exact amount each year. We have given 10% on average over the last few years.
We also wanted to give tangibly. We wanted to give something practical, and we decided we would ensure that our future house had a comfortable guest suite/apartment to house those in need, those in need of a retreat, or missionaries. We both enjoy hosting people and sharing a meal to get to know others better. Providing housing worked for our marriage team personality. This goal has taken much longer to make good on than we anticipated. It has taken many years of saving to build the type of space we would like. We are starting on a guest suite this year, and look forward to hosting many people.
The area we overlooked at the beginning was service. We were active with our church, and gave our time to community service projects, but we did not have much of a focus, or any service areas we were truly committed to. A few years ago, my husband signed up to help at our local Salvation Army down the street. Volunteering is a great way to find out how an organization works. We always thought Salvation Army predominantly focused on selling used items. By volunteering, my husband found out this location housed over 100 men in a rehabilitation program, and got to work side-by-side with participants at the store, getting to know their stories. Rather than signing up for various events, I focus on one local women and children program that I can participate in with my kids. We have the same 24 hours as everyone, and we choose to spend our service primarily with a few organizations, because we can be better volunteers and more useful to those organizations when we have a solid understanding or their work.
3. We evaluate the organizations we give to
One of our best decisions was that we actively engage any organization we give to financially. If we are going to give money, then we take the time to find out about how the money is used, and we usually work to participate in other ways with those groups.
While I believe that you should give to the areas that are placed on your heart, it is important to evaluate how your dollars are being spent. We strive to use what we have been given wisely, and we expect organizations we give to to also use our gifts wisely. We talk about how our church is managing its money and go to the annual business meeting. We sponsor a child through Compassion. We discuss Compassion’s financial model. We discuss some of the other places we tend to give to in smaller denominations. For instance, I give a small donation to Wikipedia every year, because I use the site extensively. However, Wikipedia is cash rich**. Just because I read an article doesn’t mean we change our giving, but it does mean we discuss our giving.
4. We don’t give out of pity
This one might sound odd. Doesn’t pity help you to give? Yes, it does. But that also means that organizations can be manipulative in their requests for giving. They sometimes use images of starving children and abused animals, or send out calls for last-minute needs (Wikipedia does this, for example). Many of these organizations are valuable and do good work. But that doesn’t make their tactics less manipulative. My father once said
Organizations know that the best way to your purse strings is through your heart strings, so they are always sure to use your emotions
My husband I are committed to giving to areas we have already discussed, and to organizations we engage with and understand. We believe money is one of the most useful ways to help, but we do not believe money solves all problems. We also do not give money just to make ourselves feel better. Numerous studies have found the benefit of giving is a feeling of happiness and well-being for the giver. The danger in charitable giving is we give to feel good about ourselves. That is, we may give to something out of pity, often because of seeing a startling or sad piece of news. We give to get rid of an uncomfortable emotion, or often because we think we have the solution to others’ problems (poverty, for instance). Soft hearts are wonderful things, but wisdom in giving requires us being thoughtful about the problems we see, how we engage, and what we personally are called to make a commitment and focus in our lives.
Our family gives precisely because we have received and giving is part of how we manage and steward our scarce resources. We have compassion and pity as emotions, but our effort is always to partner. This means that we do use our emotions as part of the decision, but we don’t rely on them exclusively for charitable decisions. We have found that giving to fewer areas consistently, and engaging in those areas helps us to understand our own relative wealth, and our own areas of weakness. In turn, it makes us wiser and more committed to giving.
5. We stretch, but aren’t miserable
We live in Fairfax County, one of the most affluent counties in the United States. Both the standard and cost of living here is high. We routinely walk into houses that are as large and as a beautifully decorated as those in magazines. It is easy to believe that we should also enjoy these same things. Our house has leaky pipes, a leaky roof, drafty windows, and old carpet. Instead of immediately fixing some items on the house, we chose to save for a large project that aligned with our goals: the guest suite, and then completely renovating some areas of the existing house. It took longer to save for these projects, because of the money we gave annually. It was not easy to give at times.
However, we weren’t miserable. We were glad we were living our values. Sometimes we mistake happiness for always having pleasant feelings. We think giving up some of the things that make us feel good, will reduce our happiness. In fact, we have experienced joy in living out what we believe. Our commitment to generosity is an area of strength in our relationship.
If you want to grow personally or in a relationship, consider giving. Planned giving is one of the best ways to use money. Give it a try.
Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash
*”Charitable giving that gives back”, FIDELITY VIEWPOINTS, 05/01/2018, https://www.fidelity.com/viewpoints/personal-finance/charitable-giving-that-gives-back
**”Wikipedia has a ton of money. So why is it begging you to donate yours?” The Washington Post, 12/2/2015, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2015/12/02/wikipedia-has-a-ton-of-money-so-why-is-it-begging-you-to-donate-yours/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.1229740b7c3d