My husband and I have never had a problem with saving and debt. We still had money problems.
Many people think that if you have zero consumer debt, live within your means, save, and give generously, you will never have arguments about money. Allow me to disabuse you of that idea. Money problems are almost entirely about values, and how you live your values day-to-day. If you don’t believe me, take a look at the kinds of financial fiascos go on in the tabloids: lots of money seems to translate to lots more financial problems.
Financial problems are directly linked to to the management of money, not the quantity of money.
When we got married, we discussed our money goals, and set to work on achieving them. Low debt, aggressive saving for the near and long-term, and giving generously topped our list. We always had money for our needs, and never disagreed over saving money and doing with less. Frugality is in our DNA. Yet we argued about money every time we tried to “check in” with one another. We argued, because we had never discussed how we wanted to live and invest day-to-day. Because we had never discussed what we valued in our everyday life, we failed to spend money on things that mattered to us as a couple. When either of us suggested a purchase, the other would often (rightly, we thought) say “No.”
The summer of 2018 started a new chapter in our lives and how we managed our money. We decided the no-vacation, long-hours, and heavy saving lifestyle was starting to take a toll on us individually and as a couple. We instituted “date night.” Previously, we had always thought “date night” was overplayed. But now, with four young children, all with varying sleep patterns, getting away for a little while most weeks became our new pattern. We both value spending time together, and we put our money toward that value as a new priority.
A couple months after we began date night, we reviewed our credit card purchases and spending patterns. I was struck by how much date night was costing us between going out and paying for a babysitter. I promptly told Glen it was time to curtail date night. His answer astonished me. He said,
“No, I’m glad to see us spending money on going out together. That’s what we should be spending money on. I’m glad that spending has gone up; it shows we are spending time with one another.”
My husband intuitively grasped the connection between money and values. We had money, and we were now living our value of spending quality time with one another. If we genuinely had less money, we could have found more creative ways to spend time with one another, like swapping babysitting with another family. Our problem was not lack of money. Rather, it was that we failed to spend our money on something that mattered to us. As we focused more on what mattered to us, we found it significantly easier to make decisions around how we spent, saved, and invested our money. Our money fights faded, as we focused our energy on the underlying driver for our financial decisions: our values.
Managing money is not simply implementing a budget. Managing money is not about how much you save and spend. Managing money is understanding who you want to be individually, as a couple, and what outcomes matter to you. Managing money is about ensuring that how much you save and spend directly aligns to your priorities and values. Heavy saving and careful budgeting will not stop money fights if you haven’t figured out what you value as a team, but managing your money to your agreed values will. Money is one of the principal ways you express your values, so put your money toward what matters to you.
Photo by Erik Odiin on Unsplash