Forgiving yourself is a hot topic in the online psychology world – try searching “forgive myself” and watch the articles, blog posts, and wikiHows pile up. Most of these articles focus on forgiving yourself for a particular action or behavior. Very few of the examples deal with money, which is a bit odd, since many of the mistakes people list are often related to financial choices at some point. I actually wrote a blog post on financial mistakes I made.
One area I’ve started talking to clients about is financial forgiveness: how to identify areas to forgive related to money choices. Of course, at issue isn’t that they made mistakes, but rather that those mistakes are holding them back. When I talk with clients, the main area holding them back is that they are forgiving an action (single or recurring behavior pattern), but not dealing with the deeper mistake.
What do I mean by the deeper mistake? A couple years ago, I purchased an online course for $97. In our marriage, we’ve long had a “$100 Rule,” which means we let the other person know if we are about to purchase something that is $100 or more. It was never meant to be about permission, but a simple way to always keep the financial conversation going. Unfortunately, it became a bit about control (or a lot, depending who you asked). I had really wanted to buy this course for awhile, but my husband thought it was a little silly.
When I saw the sale price dip below $100, I purchased it right away, and, of course, I didn’t mention it to my husband. It was below the threshold to notify him, right? Not surprisingly, we ended up having a pretty unpleasant conversation about the purchase later that month. I steadfastly refused to apologize, because I hadn’t “violated” the rule. And I was right. What I violated was the implicit trust in our relationship.
The deeper mistake to forgive was broken trust. The $97 was a drop in the bucket for us at that point. The problem was was that action represented, and, frankly, what it revealed. Years later, we worked through some of the control issues that had cropped up around this rule, and I’m happy to say we still use it – just in a healthy way now.
If you find yourself held back in your actions around money, consider looking for the deeper mistakes behind the single action or recurring behavior. You’ll find a lot more freedom when your forgiveness digs into the real cause, and you’ll have an easier time moving to the next step in your financial journey.
If you are interested in working through past financial mistakes so you can be move into a healthy money mindset, you might be interested in my course Beyond Financial Mistakes.
Photo by Fanny Gustafsson on Unsplash