We all have routines. We may like them or hate them, but they exist regardless of our affinity for them. Even dysfunction and chaos are a routine. In the best of times, our routines are a sequence of steps that are habitual, and serve to give us a certain outcome. Most routines develop without much thought, such as when you pick up coffee on the way to your place of employment each morning to ease the transition to the start of the workday. Some are more intentional, such as ensuring that you set your sneakers out by your bed, to help you exercise in the morning. If you are habitually late, your routine is serving that outcome on a certain level. If your routine helps you focus and work in clear short bursts, it serves your purpose of productivity.
But when our routines are upended by outside circumstances, we often find ourselves floundering. Over the last two years, I developed some very intentional routines. Mondays were paperwork and financial days first thing in the morning. I worked from home that day, and would settle in comfortably on the bed with a hot cup of coffee as a salve to the pain of my least favorite tasks (yes, I may write about finances, but without this critical habit, I would be at a loss as to where my money is going – same as anyone), and we ate pasta for dinner. Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I was at an office, and those were my “rest” days from my exercise schedule. Those were also the days my husband was “on call” for any child related problem, which meant I could feel free to focus on work and people outside my family.
Starting in the end of January, we experienced nothing short of constant upheaval. I had major emergency surgery, and then my husband was in and out of the emergency room and different hospitals as medical teams figured out some health issues. Then, two weeks later, we found ourselves still employed, but working exclusively from home thanks to the novel coronavirus. There was no routine. We ate dinner at 8 p.m., and it didn’t matter, because there was no school the next day for the two older children.
Investing in a new routine has required some time, and also figuring out some new outcomes. If you are still struggling to develop a new system, let me suggest a couple ways to orient yourself. Below are some of the very real mindset problems we face when our routines are upended by external events.
Mindset Blocks to a New Routine
1. Our Routines Are Entirely Habitual: The biggest struggle we experience when needing to change routines is that they have become entirely habitual. A habit is an action we are able to perform almost without thought. A habitual routine is a beautiful thing when it effortlessly guides you through important steps each day. However, when a routine is habitual, we often we forget why we have them. If you are angry that dinner is at 8 p.m., but there is no particular reason why you shouldn’t shift to a later schedule, that is a likely sign your routine is habitual. When you all need to be up by 6 a.m. the next day, having an earlier dinner makes complete sense, but if everyone can sleep until 7 a.m., perhaps that mainstay of your routine isn’t vital at the moment.
2. All External Anchors Have Changed: Most of us build our routines around anchors: those items that will not shift based upon our actions, such as when the school bus arrives, or getting into the office prior to your boss. Using external anchors is one of the practical methods for managing your routines and schedules, because it offloads the burden of managing the entire schedule from yourself. The anchor is your accountability, and often helps you get back on track. I happen to love anchors. When anchors are removed, however, we often flounder. We are used to having dinner at a certain time, because of the anchor of the next day. But when the morning anchor of the school bus and office schedule are removed, or our employment itself is cut off, we experience loss – both for the item that is missing, and for the routine that is now gone.
3. Being Routineless Serves You: One of the main reasons we fail to adopt a new routine, is that we enjoy the lack of accountability. Specifically, we enjoy not being accountable to ourselves. Most of us have grown up the majority of our lives basing our accountability off of external guidelines that allow others to determine who well we are performing: get to work at 8:30 a.m. and you are “good” for being punctual vs. watching late night TV during the week makes you “bad” because serious adults get eight hours of sleep each night. While getting adequate rest and showing respect for others schedules are certainly valuable areas to consider, they are often based upon what others say. When your external cues shift and anchors change, you are faced with deciding what ultimately matters to you.
For most of us, this shift to being accountable to ourselves is uncomfortable. We have to start to think through why some things are significant to us. If deciding what matters for yourself is unpleasant, it is easier to blame the shift in external anchors. You place all the responsibility for your routine on external anchors, which removes the responsibility from yourself, even if deep down we know that we have choices in how we handle our emotions and actions. By not developing some new routines, you are promoting a mindset that says you don’t have to be accountable to yourself.
Shifting Your Mindset For a New Routine
1. Consider Who You Want To Be First: We’ve been taught to ask what we need to do first. That’s why so many of us have planners and to-do lists. The real question, when everything is upended, is who you want to be. What you do will change according to your circumstances. Who you choose to be, however, will remain constant, and is the best way to clarify your values and priorities during major external changes. Are you generous, creative, financially savvy/floundering? Decide who you are going to be during an upheaval.
If you decide to be a generous person, you might give to a charity, or you might choose to buy gift certificates from restaurants. You might continue to pay for a service, even if you aren’t receiving all the benefits. I have chosen to pay my girls dance school, even though classes are currently cancelled. It was already in the budget, I want the school to succeed, and I’m impressed with how well they’ve pivoted to using online platforms – even if I’m not in a position to use their live classes on Friday. I’ve written about ways to be generous with your time, words, and money here. This is a great way to decide what to take on, and what to say “no” to.
Ask yourself: Who do I most want to be? What traits can I cultivate during this time? What actions would a generous/creative/financially savvy/”______” person take right now?
2. Consider What Outcomes You Want SecondAnother way to approach a new situation, particularly when developing a routine, is to identify the outcomes you want prior to deciding on activities. This has proved particularly useful when deciding how to manage my elementary children’s schooling. My top outcome for my 1st grader, is for her to complete the school year on reading level. She was slightly behind at the middle of the year, and despite making consistent progress is still a little behind the curve. I am using some resources that have helped us with reading in the past, and we devote 30-40 minutes/day, 4 days/week to reading practice – often broken up by a hot chocolate break.
The outcome is a confident first grade reader, eager for second grade, the activity is one-on-one reading most days. Online learning has been hit or miss for our county. By orienting to the one outcome that matters, and developing a morning reading routine that is within my control, I can focus on what matters. We tend to try to replicate activities from our old routines that served us, even if they are required for the outcome. Those activities may or may not have been best in the not-so-distant past. That doesn’t mean you can’t find a new routine. Often, we surprise ourselves by finding we can get the outcome we want in a new way.
Ask yourself: What would success look like? What are two areas to focus on? What activities would accompany success right now, where I am, with what I have?
Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash