This blog post is Part 1 of a 3 part series. You can find Part 2: Standards and Real Life and Part 3: Creating Agreement in Real Life here.
Did you know that disagreements over money are one of the main reasons for divorce in the United States? It doesn’t surprise me. How we manage our money is a key expression of our value and beliefs. Most people don’t bother figuring out what they value, or their goals and ideals as singles. It is an even more rare couple that has spent time working on defining what they value jointly. It isn’t that we don’t have dreams and ideals, it’s that we often don’t discuss what those dreams and ideals look like in real life.
Reason #1: You haven’t agreed on what you value as a couple
Values are the principal drivers of how we live our lives. Values drive financial behaviors more than quantity of money or financial know-how. You adopt and adapt your values from your family of origin: your parents, caretakers, and other around you, and often we aren’t aware of some of our values. When someone says, “We need to save more” or “We need a budget” they are often expressing a value related to security, or creating more independence by building wealth. Sometimes, a budget isn’t about money as much as it is about control.
Here are some things people may value, and that couples have to agree on together as mutually-held values:
· Financial security: This usually means being prepared for emergencies. We generally keep 2-3 months of necessary expenses on hand in savings in case of job loss or a major house problem. The deductible on our home owner’s insurance policy is unusually high (our choice), so we need to have cash on hand to cover that.
· Present vs future pleasure: A lot of arguments around saving vs spending has more to do with how someone is oriented. Someone that is future oriented will value long-term pleasures, and be willing to forgo spending today for a benefit further down the road. Someone who is present oriented, will want to have more pleasure now. Within reason, neither of these orientations is wrong.
· Independence: Financial independence may mean different things to different people, but it is most closely oriented to not owing anyone anything and not depending on anyone else. That means, you don’t want to have a lot of debt, so you have the freedom to make changes. Alternatively, you may have some debt, but you have so much passive income coming in, you don’t worry about that.
· Discretionary spending on “valuable” items: We tend to argue about what purchases represent as much as the dollar amount. My husband doesn’t understand why I spend money on coffee. I make a small pot of coffee each morning, and enjoy a few cups throughout the day, while he drinks none. We don’t need coffee, but for me, a cup of coffee signals the start of a day; a break from computer work; or a pick-me-up when my patience is wearing thin with kids. The $7.99/pound I spend on ground coffee represents a lot of happier things that the coffee itself that I value.
When you fight about money, you are often fighting about competing values for financial security, independence, or the value of an item in the present or future. The next time you find yourself discussing money, try framing your conversation in terms of values. It may reveal a deeper area that you need to agree on as a couple.
This blog post is Part 1 of a 3 part series. You can find Part 2: Standards and Real Life and Part 3: Creating Agreement in Real Life here.
Photo by Jonatan Pie on Unsplash