Talking about money with your partner can be boring, interesting, loathsome, tedious, and great.  Most people don’t think it’s great.  Most people avoid talking about money with their partner.  Even if you are doing well financially and have similar values, you still may struggle to talk about money.

My husband and I were notorious for have arguments over money for the first several years of our marriage.  We were both good with money.  We were doing well financially.  We had similar values.  We had even discussed some long-term goals.  Yet we struggled.  There was some deeper work we had to do to reduce arguing, but there were a few strategies we started using that dramatically reduced our arguments.  Some of these might help you, too.

1.  Meet in a public place

Our first productive financial conversation occurred about seven years into our marriage on a slightly smoky covered patio of a dive bar.  A friend had heard this bar was closing, and suggested some of his colleagues and friends get together.  I was well into my second pregnancy and drank iced tea.  We had our laptops out, and looked ridiculously out of place.  But we didn’t argue.

The major benefit of meeting in a public place was that we had to behave.  We had to be polite, keep our voices level, and also maintain a conversation.  A lot of our arguments were pretty juvenile and based on ego.  Meeting in public forced us to be more adult with one another.

2. Keep it short

That first meeting was for less than an hour, counting from when our drinks arrived, to when our friends arrived for happy hour.  When something is hard, keeping the duration short is a huge benefit.  First, you only have to focus on behaving nicely for a short period of time.  If having arguments around money is a habit, it will take a lot of effort to break.  Give yourself a short period of time to start changing that habit.  Second, particularly if numbers aren’t your thing, finances can be draining.  Third, it’s much easier to fit in a short session than a long one.  So short is more likely to happen.

3. Focus on one thing

This was the first meeting that we stated our goal for the meeting, rather than trying to address a larger topic.  Our goal was simply to review finances.  We weren’t making decisions.  We weren’t criticizing one another’s methods or spreadsheets.  We were just doing show and tell.  When one of us started to criticize or start to play out what-if scenarios, the other would say, “Let’s stay on topic, we’re just reviewing.”

Starting with a simple and non-judgmental review is one of the best ways to start a financial relationship with anyone.  If you don’t know what to focus on, just pick one thing to review, like everything coming in and out of your checking accounts.

4. Keep it light

My husband and I are both very competitive.  We get intense fast.  Having drinks, even non-alcoholic (I had an iced tea, remember), can really cause you to relax.  The setting was a dive bar, with a lot of people kicking back.  We were about to eat greasy nachos, wings, and see friends.  For the first time, we didn’t take our positions or ourselves so seriously.  Yes, money matters.  Money is one of the largest ways we express our values in the world.  How we manage money with our partner expresses how we value one another.  Music, food, drinks, friends.  Money is serious business.  But you can make it a bit more fun.  We did that first meeting, and so can you.